Rainbow Games

Here at the Pernicious Tit, we are great advocates for Equality. Therefore, we are concerned with recent reports coming out of Russia, such as This One, where homosexual people are facing persecution. In their homes even.

Obviously this news is distressing and such manoeuvres by a government against its own citizens recalls the approach of such horrific periods as the Inquisition and the Holocaust.

All of this is bad enough, but it comes ahead of Russia hosting the next Winter Olympic Games in Sochi. Many Equal Rights advocates are pushing for nations to boycott these Games in solidarity. Everyone else is making the case against this, (here, here, and here just to name a few) although many of these voices shouting against a boycott are similar to the voices that want to convince you, Dear Friends, that group action is Fruitless and Ineffectual. We believe it is not, but that is for another post.

One of the Main Arguments against an Olympic Boycott is that the “athletes worked so hard and it’s not their fault” and “some of these Winter sports have no other public venue” and that it is “Unfair” and would “Prove nothing”. Well, Friends, what is unfair is being thrown into prison because someone does not like you. That is significantly less fair than getting to Bobsled with Attention.

But we are not without compassion, which is why we should hold a Rainbow Games concurrently with the next Winter Olympics. A previous venue, such as Lillehammer, Lake Placid, or Turin, should open their facilities to those athletes unwilling to support the Russian regime. Make awards, television contracts and get sponsorships from like-minded companies and individuals.

It is time to Stand Up and demand equality for all humans. Tits too.

Miley Cyrus Wins!

The Pernicious Tit again…

The Internets are all a-flitter with a certain burlesque-style performance that aired on the television last evening. One “Miley Cyrus” appears to have delivered into everyone’s homes a free Strip-and-Grind show (sans shiny pole).

We haven’t the foggiest notion why everyone is Up in Arms.

She gave us a FREE striptease. Why in heavens should we complain about this? Certainly, her choice of attire was in rather poor taste. Personally, here at Tit-Central, we prefer something with more style, more flair, more color, with a certain je ne sais quoi, n’est-ce pas? The hair. The beige. Those shoes. No. Rewind and try again, my girl.

Actually, the Tit believes all of this literal song and dance was quite calculated. You, my Friends, are far more likely to become Hot and Bothered over something you don’t like, and this will drive you to Say Something about it to any and everyone. People don’t bother going and saying nice things about that which they like or admire. However, put a Bee down their pants and you’ll never hear the end of it.

So this is what the demure Ms. Cyrus knows. If she wants all of us, even here at the Pernicious Tit, to pay attention to her, she has to act in a manner that flips our collective wig. However, we here would like to remind you, Friends, that oversexed teenagers enjoy startling all of you who think you Know Better when really you don’t. Britney, Madonna, Elvis… everyone just sit down already over this.

Also, have you SEEN old photos of Led Zeppelin? Those jeans leave nothing to the imagination. Nothing.

How to Express Sympathy

My sweet Friend,

The Pernicious Tit knows that you probably have difficulty expressing yourself in situations of Grief. They make you feel Uncomfortable and Awkward.

Never fear, the Tit is here.

You see, We are not taught at a tender age how to Be towards those afflicted by Bad News. However, I think you will find that these times are not so hard once you know what to say.

If someone tells you that they are saddened by the Loss of Someone Close to them, you look them in the eye and say quite sincerely because you Really Mean It: “I am so sorry for your loss.” If this sad person is someone quite close to you, you may also say, “If there is anything I can do to make this time easier for you, please let me know.”

Now, should you find yourself in the situation where someone tells you that their health is poor from something quite Horrible like Cancer, you say to them, “I hope your treatment goes well and you recover soon.” If the person has something like the Flu or Smallpox, you say, “I hope your health improves soon.” See? It is easy.

Should you hear about an automobile collision or dirigible accident where people have suffered injury, you say concerning the news, “Goodness gracious, what terrible news. I hope everyone affected makes a full recovery” -or- “Goodness gracious, I did not realize commercial flights on blimps were still available!”

What you do NOT do in those awkward situations where you are met with bad news is to make the news about yourself. Yes, you might believe, erroneously as it turns out, that by sympathizing and empathizing with the other person that they will find in your words solace for their bad time. This never goes over well, let me tell you. If I, P.T., say to you, “Friend, my dog just died. I am sad.” and you then say back to me, “Oh that is sad. I once had a fantastic dog I loved so much. You must feel so terrible like I did!” then I’m going to think that you just went and made my loss about your loss. And that is s.h.i.t.t.y indeed (please excuse our harsh language here at the Tit, but some Times call for it).

Remember! When expressing sympathy, never make their grief about you.

Until next time, Dear Friend.

Advice for the Fat

Hello, Friend.

If you are like many of Us, you are probably wanting to lose a few pounds here or there. The Pernicious Tit knows the feeling. Now, you are sitting there thinking, “I knew this Tit was Pernicious, because we’re Friends and all, but I don’t really like being called Fat, you know.”

I do know, Friend.

But you are Fat.

Or maybe you aren’t, but Fat is Fat and you know if you are. You may wear black because it is slimming or you may avoid tapering jeans, but really you shouldn’t sit in a web of Delusion about your fatness.

However.

You, my dearest Friend, you are fortunate that your problem is Fat. The Tit knows this is a strange thing to be told, but it is true. Fat is one of the few problems in life where the solution is completely free. Cancer? Not free (unless you’re in England – good on you!). Debt? Definitely not free. Automobile collision? Still not free. In fact, problem children, neighbors building a fence over the property line, a delayed flight, cancelled theatre tickets, weddings, funerals, Bar Mitzvahs… none of these problems are free. You know this.

“But my Friend the Pernicious Tit,” you are saying (the P.T. hears all), “I’ve spent gobs of money on diet foods, diet programs, diet books, diet motivational speakers, and diet sodas and I’m still Fat! How can becoming unFat be free?”

Ah, you see my Friend, you are doing it wrong. The thing that makes you Fat is calories. Lots of other things might help that along, but things like Oak Endtables and 42″ televisions do not, in themselves make you Fat, do they? Food makes you Fat, and too much of it at that. (Hey, I may have a future as a poet.)

So this is what you do: do not eat so much. Eating is fun, the Tit completely understands this. So many delicious things, especially millet seeds covered in honey, to eat out there in the world, but you really must learn to employ greater moderation. And this is how reducing your Fat is free, you see. That is all you need to do.

Eat. Less.

The Tit wishes you could be sold a magic pill or a shimmering disc or even perhaps an enchanted settee upon which when you sit your Fat would be reduced, but this is not the case. The only way to lose Fat is to eat less than you need each day. When you do this, your body will turn to what it has stored up for a rainy day and use that instead.

You, my Friend, may feel hungry, but you got yourself in to this mess and it will take some work and determination to get out.

Unfortunately:

You are the only person in the entire world who can do this for yourself. But what a nice thing to do! I bet you’re thinking that it would be nice if someone would take away those extra pounds you’re dragging around fruitlessly. That nice person is you! Huzzah!

That is all. Eat less. Exercise if you must (it will help but is not necessary). This is all free. In fact, if you eat less, you can even save a bit and see a nice motion picture or buy some seasonal flowers.

Don’t treat yourself to extra food though or you’ll be right back to Fat again.