The Resume I Wish I Could Send Out

Objective:  A paycheck. I’m not looking to find personal satisfaction through employment, I’m looking for money. The only thing of any value I’ve got to sell is my time, so I am willing to sell you around forty hours of it per week in order to eat and sleep under shelter, preferably in my own bed. On the other hand, I am getting pretty good at this hunting and gathering thing and I can build a surprisingly waterproof tent out of three trash bags and some duct tape.

Work Experience:

Grad School:

I had do both field and library research and write a book, all while I taught classes, acted as a personal assistant to my advisor, travelled to international conferences and gave presentations to people who have been knighted by the Queen of England, took skills workshops, mentored undergraduates, did a lot of pointless paperwork, took comprehensive exams and defended my work to a panel of world experts. I also worked as a baker to make some extra cash, but yeah, I have no real work experience here.

All of my shitty undergraduate jobs:

To put myself through school (twice), I have done the following: fixed pianos, cleaned printing presses, ran a computer printing lab, repaired circulating books in a library, worked as an office assistant, and cleaned up after other undergraduates. I did all of this while taking a full course load and graduating with honors. You’re right though, I have no idea how to work hard, learn new skills or manage my time.

My one “real” job:

Between degrees, I worked in IT. I had to go around my organization and update their e-mail client to one that no one wanted. I got yelled at a lot, both in person and on the phone. I also updated our project webpages and did the job of another person on my team while she was having a baby. My boss forgot my birthday even though she gave everyone else a party. I quit because there was no room for advancement. A decade later, some of my old team is still there doing essentially the same job.

Skills:

I’m not a spring chicken, so I’ve actually taught myself a lot of stuff. For instance, I know how to build a website with fancy stuff like SQL and javascript, how to program Excel, how to plan a three month overseas research trip across numerous countries, how to live on a personal budget well below the poverty mark, how to write accurate reports based on actual data and present them to my peers, how to do American ex-pat taxes without triggering an audit, how to write and edit the English language. Of course, I haven’t been directly paid to do most of these things, so I guess I don’t know how to do them after all. I’m sure you’d rather hire someone who likes to spend his time wrapping his co-workers’ cubicles in wrapping paper.

Accomplishments:

  • I made the front page of Reddit once.
  • I have a high score of 32 on Flappy Bird.
  • I’ve completed all the Candy Crush levels without paying anything, although I haven’t gotten three stars on all of them yet.
  • I’m a decent Bridge player.
  • I can knit AND crochet. Yeah, I know. I should probably lead with that.
  • Because of the shitty car I had in grad school, I’m pretty good at working on Buick 3800 engines.

Education:

Humanities Ph.D. from quite a good university (not Harvard)

Yes, I have a Ph.D. and it was the biggest waste of time in the world. You’re looking at this and thinking I’ll make everyone call me “doctor” and that I’ll make the workplace uncomfortable by having more education than my boss. You also won’t hire me as a supervisor because I have no paid experience supervising people because supervising TAs and undergraduates doesn’t count to you. So getting all of this education has, in fact, relegated me to a life of unemployment and poverty. Yay American Dream!

Humanities Bachelor of Arts from a State University (definitely not Harvard)

I have a BA in a non-STEM area, which I think these days means that I’m an idiot who can’t learn to do a “real” job. Yeah, I can do all of those things you want like work with people, communicate effectively, manage my time, solve problems… but because I “only” have a degree and little “real” work experience, I’ve somehow not proven this. Of course, if I had the experience and not the degree, I wouldn’t get the job either.

Bachelor of Fine Arts from a State University (still not Harvard)

Oh. My. God. How much of a walking stereotype am I? Just to let you know, I don’t even have a tattoo. I got this degree printing books by hand because I liked the layout calculations and the printing technology. My paintings suck. I also learned how to make books on computers too with all sorts of fancy programs because, you know, I’m actually smart and capable. But since all of that was a while ago now, you’ll think I somehow became stupid in that time. Well, I did go and get that Ph.D. you already know about, so you might be right.

Honors and Awards

Oh yeah, like you read this far.

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